ANNOUNCING WINNER OF PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST #1

Well I’m overdue for this announcement but I had to give this process due consideration and contemplation. At long last, I have a first and second place winner. (drum roll……)

Second Place goes to Lisa Huddleston’s caption: A concise message: “Get moving or you’re roadkill!”

First Place goes to Gayle Meiling’s caption: “Lead, follow, or get out of the way.”

 

“I don’t know what to talk about today!”

When I first started coaching, I shuddered to hear the PBC say, “I have tried to come up with something, but I just can’t think of anything to be coached around today.” It would literally cause me to panic. I would frantically start searching my brain (and my cheat sheets) desperately looking for questions to ask that would stimulate something—anything at all—to work with.  But it seemed that the harder I tried, the more frustrated both the PBC and I would become.  After all, how could I get them moving if we couldn’t even find a place to start?  At worst, the PBC would say something like, “Sorry I let you down today” or perhaps even decide to give up on coaching altogether.

As time has gone on and I have relaxed as a coach, these situations don’t cause nearly as much consternation as they once did. In fact, I hadn’t thought much at all about this topic until a recent conversation with Lisa Huddleston (a friend and coach) brought it back to my attention.  As we talked, we came up with some things to remember when hearing the dreaded words, “I don’t know what to talk about today!”  

 Remember coaching is a conversation. Let the PBC talk. The coaching session does not hinge on whether or not I come up with something for the PBC to be coached around. First and foremost, it is about the conversation. Many times, I have discovered that if I will let them talk and spend most of my time genuinely listening, they will discover something to be coached around either that time or by the time of their next call. 

 Remember to ask what the PBC hopes to gain from the call. A coaching session is never about my agenda. It is not about how good a coach I am or whether or not I can sculpt the perfect hourglass call. It IS about the PBC. Sometimes all the caller wants from their hour with a coach is to have an opportunity to talk, to be heard, and to vent.  In such a case, all I need to do is listen and encourage, ask questions when appropriate, and wait to see what happens.  It’s important that the PBC feels free to use their hour as they need to—not every call has to end with three action steps to be time well spent.

 Remember coaching is not a onetime event but a process. If they haven’t been made to feel like a coaching failure, the PBC will call again—especially if they have been listened to and encouraged. Usually, although not always, their next call will be very different, and the PBC will have made some discoveries or uncovered a new direction through the simple process of sharing their thoughts on a continuing basis.  (More on that in another post.)

Coaching really is a conversation.  Relax and let it happen. If you will allow yourself and your PBC to enjoy your time together without bullying either of you to “action” every time you talk, both of you will enjoy the journey much more, and you will be a better coach for it.

 

What would Anthony Bourdain do?

“Local news, weather, sports…. then Leno!  

All the entertainment food groups!”

I heard that voice-over last night at the end of a television show I was watching. It made me wonder, what are the most important coaching food groups? Or, should we go with the new-fangled, “Food Pyramid”? 

Tony Bourdain travels the world in search of cool food and the cultural influences that make them possible. What can you think of to add to the standard coaching fare that may be a bit unconventional, extra spicy or even . . . an acquired taste?

 

SWEET MOMENTS OF REALIZATION!

I recently heard a story about Gandhi and a mom who brought her little boy to see him. The boy was overweight, and his mother hoped that Gandhi would tell her son to stop eating sugar. During the first meeting, Gandhi asked the mother to bring her son back in 3 weeks. 

Three weeks later, the mother and son returned to Gandhi. Gandhi looked at the little boy and said, “If you want to be healthy, you need to stop eating sugar.” The little boy nodded and walked off.

As soon as the boy walked away, the frustrated mother turned to Gandhi and asked him why they had been turned away the first time, why they had to wait 3 weeks before Gandhi would speak to the boy. Gandhi replied, “Because 3 weeks ago, I was eating sugar.” 

The story hit me hard. I had an instant realization that there are areas where I say one thing and do something else. It made me realize that if I want better communication with my husband, I need to be a better communicator.  If I don’t want to be judged, I need to stop judging others. If I want people to be open to change, I need to be open to change first.  

This really brings the Scripture in focus about getting the log out of my own eye before trying to remove the speck from the other person’s eye. Lord, help me to listen to Your voice, to be honest with myself and with You, and to make the changes so that I “walk the talk.”

 

MAGIC!

I experienced a new awareness this week. It was a huge surprise and I thought I’d bring it up here to see if anyone else has experienced something similar. After a terrific coaching appointment this morning, I drove away super excited, inspired and fulfilled. I like feeling that way and it is the spice of my coaching life. I quickly contrasted that with various other coaching conversations that seem to tax my coaching abilities to the limit. This client and I were so in sync that I exerted very little effort and felt the greatest freedom to create a “playground” for us both to ask “what if”. We played well together and it was the perfect representation of the kind of coaching partnerships I’d love to experience all of the time.

Reality check.

I guess in coaching, like in all of life, mountaintop experiences are notable because they are so infrequent—and we appreciate them all the more because of that. But my new awareness is not that great coaching moments can sometimes be rare. My awareness came as I took a closer look at my precious client. What she brought to the table of herself was a gift—to both of us. Her willingness to be vulnerable, to sound silly, to think out loud without editing her words, to hope like a little girl in the body of a grown woman, made ALL the difference. As I drove back to my office I thought, “THAT is what ‘coachable’ looks like.” Frankly it’s a relief to realize that while sometimes it is my need for improvement, insight, humility or experience that is called for, other times, a coachable client is simply . . . magic!

Coachability. I like it. I want more clients who possess it. And I want to learn all I can to encourage and inspire it in those I work with.

So I’ll ask you two questions:

1. How responsible are we as coaches to foster coachability in our clients?

2. What can we do to educate them, encourage them, coach them toward coachability?

 

A PHOTO IN NEED OF A CAPTION

 

How about a little fun here on the Coach Approach?  Here’s how it works: I post a photo, you post a caption that is funny/witty/poignant, etc. and I pick the winner. As an added challenge, the caption you submit should have something to do with Coaching. If your caption is chosen as the best, then you win the satisfaction of being famous for a day here at The Coach Approach!

Look at the photo below and post away. 

Thanks for playing…

 

 

Passing Beyond an Impasse

Stuck!  Know the feeling? 

You can’t find a way forward, and it’s too late to go back.    You’re cornered in one of life’s cul-de-sacs.  Your wheels are spinning; you can’t get traction again.   You’ve driven off the edge of your map onto a slippery slope.

It’s way more than run-of-the-mill frustration.  You’re at a complete impasse.   You feel trapped in a blind alley, a situation with no exit.  Your mental maps don’t work now.  You don’t know what comes next, but you dread whatever it will be.  You have your toes curled over the edge of the ledge, deepening a “sense of abyss.”  You are stuck!

There are common reasons for becoming stuck. For example, important relationships have ended in death, divorce, or disappointment, leaving us feeling abandoned and off-stride.  Or, we’ve had big failures, and they’ve unsettled our confidence.   Maybe markets have shifted seismically, and the old rules of the workplace no longer apply.  Or, the economy has soured, and we feel trapped.  You’re on alien terrain.

 Usually we stall and plug along, hoping the impasse will pass soon.  Unfortunately, that tactic often just amplifies our negative inner voices to full shout.  But, impasses open new worlds to you by closing old ones.  When your maps no longer work, adopt a pioneer perspective.  Scout new territories.  Draw new maps to new places.

 Launch out to a new place.   You’re stuck, right?  You want to get somewhere else, right?  The time is right to risk drawing a new map.  Go. 

 Venture to the verge.  In Old French, “verge” described the brink or border where fields merged into forests or coastlines into seas.  It was clear a margin would soon be crossed.    The adventure of getting unstuck will take you past the verge.  Step over lightly into adventure.

 Exploration creates new maps.   Approaching new places invites learning.  With new eyes and ears, you will sense more possibilities.  With a pioneer’s innovative repertoire, you can map yourself to a place beyond your current impasse.

 Use the perspectives of low and high places.   Explorers prefer vistas—places with long views like seacoasts, middles of rivers, tops of mountains, outer space—for charting directions.  Position yourself to “see” a longer distance.  That larger perspective can get you unstuck.

Being stuck demands new directions.  Don’t give up.  Enlist a coach, and get past your impasses now.

 

How about a quick survey?

 

Something was brought to my attention today and I thought to myself…. “Hey, I’ll bet the coaches that read and converse on The Coach Approach Blog have some great things to say about this.” So, here’s my question, “What makes a powerful question MORE powerful when it is asked by a coach than when someone asks that questions of themselves, internally? 

For instance, I’ve gone through workbooks or Bible Studies that attempt to get me to ask myself pointed or powerful questions, but those same questions, asked aloud by someone outside my own head, really ratchet the value way up. 

Why do YOU think this is true?

 

Surprises We Should Have Expected

Your phone rings.  It’s Anxious Andy/Angie, a former coaching client—back for a third series of conversations.  On the surface, Anxious Andy/Angie is a “perfect” coaching client—motivated and solution-oriented, on the move and in a hurry.   But, Anxious Andy/Angie may be too hurried.  When Andy/Angie is being coached, anxiety can propel the process and create an emotional sprint for a solution—a quick solution.  Later, when surprises and second-order challenges loom up, Anxious Andy/Angie gets overwhelmed.   One small pebble in the pond created big tidal waves that no one saw coming.

So, what can coaches and clients do together to make better choices?  Why not try a “more” approach?

Add more options to explore.   Futurist Joel Barker, developer of the future search device called the Implications Wheel, presses for five or more alternatives before we move forward.  Each alternative is then played forward to its second-order or third-order implications.  Extra options and their “waves” give us automatic Plan B’s, if needed. Decisions become more nuanced when we expand and explore more possibilities more broadly in advance.

Look at positives and negatives more thoroughly.  In every cluster of options, Barker also insists that both positive and negative outcomes be explored.   Negatives introduce new questions to optimists.  Positives provide leaven for pessimist’s thinking.  In tough economic times, looking at all angles and “getting it right” the first time feels even more critical. 

Weigh alternatives more carefully.  Explore all options slowly and thoughtfully.  Considering advantages and disadvantages is important.   One-sided solutions don’t solve much for long.

“Sin bravely” more faithfully.  The Protestant reformer, Martin Luther, understood the risks of moving into uncharted territory.  He once noted that, after all rational avenues had been exhausted, faith still had to be exercised.  Faced with unknowns, he said we have to trust in God completely, move forward, and “sin bravely.” 

There’s the phrase futurists use to describe second-order changes, or outcomes that weren’t anticipated in the early blush of change—“surprises we should have expected.”    

There are frequent “surprises” after anxiety rushes to judgment.  Explore what comes after what comes next.  Focus clients’ anxiety on “more,” and perhaps some false starts can be avoided.

 

An Encouraging Word?

I LOVE to coach! I haven’t always been able to put my finger on why it feeds my soul the way it does, but it has always been some mixture of:

- Satisfaction in watching others take responsibility for moving forward
- Excitement in knowing I was in on that
- Relief that I didn’t have to come up with solutions – nor carry them out
- Freedom in the fact that I was building capacity in others rather than dependence on me
- Joy in seeing what a little bit of encouragement can do in the life of another human being

To be honest, I used to just throw that last one in there because I thought I should. I spent my early days in coaching really focused on the listening and the probing questions that helped lead to discovery and actions. Certainly I enjoyed bringing encouragement into someone’s life, but the real pleasure for me was in getting someone to some new discovery or new action. Encouragement was a bonus…an add-on.

These days, however, I’m repenting.

I’m finding in my coaching over the last couple of years that encouragement is often THE major piece that leads to the others. It is sometimes a seemingly small act of encouragement that does the unlocking…that leads to the new learning or new action. 

While I used to focus on the cleverest of questions, I now look for those opportunities to offer an encouraging word….some hope…..a celebration. REAL encouragement. It has to be real…and I seldom am at a loss for finding ways to offer genuine and timely encouragement.

Here are some things I’m learning about encouragement:

- It can often be that catalyst that gives my client the “nerve” to suggest something risky.
- It is always well received – Is encouragement so rare in our culture that it warrants such appreciation?
- It helps my clients bridge the gap between actions…celebrating was has happened and what can happen rather than focusing on what isn’t happening.
- It never fails to be repaid.

I’m a new man when it comes to encouragement. I look for and find every opportunity I can to give real encouragement and hope to my clients….and I am finding those opportunities everywhere.

What more can you do with encouragement? What new discoveries and actions might that bring? Who can you encourage today?